i want to say thank you, i want to be happy you were here
but all I am left is the endless, endless tears.
you are gone (even if i knew you would, tried to brace myself for it) but i didn’t think you’ll be. away from my sight
and really, really just a memory now.
I am so used to it. to you in pictures, to imagine the happier times in my head
but i always, always felt there’ll be a next time. you’ll be here the next time.
it hits me like ice cold water splashed on my face, painful, cold and shockingly so….that no muster up imagination could prepare you for. But in all honesty, i feel like a part of me has gone realizing..that you could reallly be
you filled our hearts, my dad, my mom, my brothers and me. filled the echoes of the hallway, the boredom of afternoon pointless daze, the shadow while watching tv at night.
you were also there, while i was young and naive. when i was still home, the semblance of my youth.
as I left home and have been gone for ever so long
i realize there isn’t a future where that will happen anymore, where you would be there, or even if we ever got another companion, it wouldnt be “ours” or part of me while we were all living together…a family under one roof.
you were there, when my friends were over. you brought fear…but also laughter (probably at me though) and total eye-roll inducing (at me too) moments. chasing people out of gates, or people stranded outside without the ability to come in
as i lived through one of the most important points of my life, and had all the most important of my friends come over to my place…you were there.
through the moving of houses and changing of bedrooms, through me growing up and coming back only for summer
and you were there too (and for that i am immensely grateful) when another love of my life had come to visit. i was glad you met him, i was happy he met you, and that he adored you, even though he didnt know you (if you dont count the endless jabbering from me). n i knew that he did because you were ours, mine, a part of me.
to me, you represent so many things.
but you were, even without abstraction, so noble, with the dignity and self-respect and willfulness and stubbornness and character, that will always make you…you. the irreplaceable part of a friend.
and perhaps, the most important thing, was you taught me how to love. i have loved in many ways and been loved in many ways, but no matter you taught me just the same it’s weird, but it was something much purer, less calculative and more giving. it wasnt about self-preservation, and pride and clashing of personalities. it was just a feeling that swelled in the heart
until it overflowed
i. really hope you were happy. that you felt love. that even when there were lonely times, or painful times, or even right at the very end, even though many of us were not there…
that you knew that you were important. and
that it was good
it was good.
yea, it was good
i’ll miss you everyday.
you are in my heart, always.