Cephalochromoscope

A brain-scan device with a screen to display neural patterns.

Philip K. Dick created a fictional device to let users see their own brain patterns recreationally during their leisure activities

—Somewhere


i want to say thank you, i want to be happy you were here

but all I am left is the endless, endless tears.



you are gone (even if i knew you would, tried to brace myself for it) but i didn’t think you’ll be. away from my sight

and really, really just a memory now. 

I am so used to it. to you in pictures, to imagine the happier times in my head

but i always, always felt there’ll be a next time. you’ll be here the next time. 



mortality.

it hits me like ice cold water splashed on my face, painful, cold and shockingly so….that no muster up imagination could prepare you for. But in all honesty, i feel like a part of me has gone realizing..that you could reallly be


gone. 



you filled our hearts, my dad, my mom, my brothers and me. filled the echoes of the hallway, the boredom of afternoon pointless daze, the shadow while watching tv at night. 


you were also there, while i was young and naive. when i was still home, the semblance of my youth. 

as I left home and have been gone for ever so long

i realize there isn’t a future where that will happen anymore, where you would be there, or even if we ever got another companion, it wouldnt be “ours” or part of me while we were all living together…a family under one roof. 

you were there, when my friends were over. you brought fear…but also laughter (probably at me though) and total eye-roll inducing (at me too) moments. chasing people out of gates, or people stranded outside without the ability to come in

as i lived through one of the most important points of my life, and had all the most important of my friends come over to my place…you were there. 

through the moving of houses and changing of bedrooms, through me growing up and coming back only for summer

and you were there too (and for that i am immensely grateful) when another love of my life had come to visit. i was glad you met him, i was happy he met you, and that he adored you, even though he didnt know you (if you dont count the endless jabbering from me). n i knew that he did because you were ours, mine, a part of me. 

to me, you represent so many things.

but you were, even without abstraction, so noble, with the dignity and self-respect and willfulness and stubbornness and character, that will always make you…you. the irreplaceable part of a friend.

and perhaps, the most important thing, was you taught me how to love. i have loved in many ways and been loved in many ways, but no matter you taught me just the same it’s weird, but it was something much purer, less calculative and more giving. it wasnt about self-preservation, and pride and clashing of personalities. it was just a feeling that swelled in the heart





until it overflowed





i. really hope you were happy. that you felt love. that even when there were lonely times, or painful times, or even right at the very end, even though many of us were not there…

that you knew that you were important. and

felt…joy.

and perhaps



that it was good




it was good.





yea, it was good




(knowing you). 






i’ll miss you everyday.
you are in my heart, always. 
always. 

XANGA IS GONE.

well, this really isn’t bout the death of xanga but i guess that there still needs to be an outlet of emotion, probably a yearly post of how or when i feel deeply. 

again, waiting at the airport, after days of unending activities that left me no time to sit for a moment to write out exactly how i felt. it was in waves that the moods hit me, this deep and resounding happiness that i know i don’t feel anywhere else but here. i don’t want to pretend this is just another passing emotion….in this place, i have a part of me that feels like it’d lived forever….






i begin to wonder at my 2nd year of a short stint whether this was it, that home was just a stopover of 2 weeks in my life…with things that are familiar but that you could never experience at its fullest. about choosing only the very selected food dishes you want to eat cause you would never be able to have it all…..telling yourself the next time (the next time…) you will have it but then again reverting right back to those few favorites without ever trying anything else.

i thought maybe i’ll feel like im moving further away, maybe so many things will change that this will not feel like home but rather a memory of what used to be





 but then, i am here.


and i am blown away. 



i could delve into details of exactly what a ridiculous percentage serene center is visited on every one of my trips, or how wang wang walks are still the best.thing.ever or how my parents still watch the exact same singing competition every sunday

or maybe i could lament on how slowly but surely the cultural landscape has shifted, that what i once knew was “hip” or “the usual spot” has alll became somewhere much less travelled





but i think mostly, i am shocked, thankful and glad that i still feel a deep amount of




love. really, (without sounding too john lennony)



i can’t imagine a place i feel so deeply
that the people in it love me so. 



i mean maybe that word is put here too strongly, but in a sense I don’t think these people understand that their moments of concern, of seemingly normal actions they would sacrifice or put in effort to do actually shows how much they are as people


and how much i am so blessed to have them





and because of this…i truly, truly wish for their happiness, for life despite its obstacles and disappointments and hardships, to treat them well. but mostly, maybe because they cannot see how much they give to me and make ME feel like one of the luckiest people alive, to understand just how wonderful and amazing they really are. 




i sometimes think, maybe its cause i live in such a snapshot that I can see such things, that i can still dwell in the beauty because it is fleeting and is something i cannot grasp. thus, i give it more value and i tend to overlook the flaws.

 maybe that is true, but really who da eff cares.




it still is the most wonderful thing in the world.





ugh, words does not do it justice. i re-read this and it feels like a corny mess but i wanted to put it out there because i just cant believe how much i can feel in those 2 short weeks in this place compared to a year of excitement and enjoyment in another. it hardly compares.



of course, this time round i also had another source of my joys be in the same place of what perhaps, built my understanding of what love & happiness is. 



it was a little scary, stressful, worrisome

but full of fun, happiness and excitement 



especially getting to be so proud of where you came from, who you hang out with and who were the ones who shaped you to become who you are. I remembered seeing certain things with the view of maybe seeing it (judging it) the first time, and though MBS was damnnn nice it wasnt as nice as I first remembered…



my friends though, and my family, i was immensely proud of them. esp in this “stranger” view, i reallly thought all of them were effing kickass. hahaha i mean nobodys perfect but at least i felt i could see everyone and see an honest version of who they are and how they treated me.




 


and i think that was enough. 

this, srsly, is not a commonplace wherever. and I think thats what i realize, esp when you are getting old and time is getting precious, when you are being transplanted to places that somehow feel eerily similar despite the differences…it just is NOT common to feel like this. to have all this honesty and real concern to each other, sooo oftenly that it feels NORMAL or USUAL. 

ok shit, boarding calling. excuse the roughness. HOME WAS AMAZING, IM GOING TO MISS YOU GUYS RARRRR 

I WILLL BE BACKKKKKKK

i gasp.

midnight-charm:

Zuzanna Bijoch by Hans Feurer for Antidote S/S 2013

I could relate

midnight-charm:

Zuzanna Bijoch by Hans Feurer for Antidote S/S 2013

I could relate